Step 1 Decide to change what you’re doing 3
Step 2 Find out why you’re arguing 5
8 Elements that can lead to arguments 6
Whose argument are you having? 6
Pay offs for arguing 7
Learning\History 7
When rules change 8
Deeper life problems 8
Three broad needs 9
Past betrayals 10
Avoidance and tension relief 10
Step 3 Analysing how you are arguing 10
Children strategies to get what they want 10
Lessons from mum and dad 10
You learn to fight through experience 11
What are your conflict styles? 12
Appeasement: 12
Pre-emptive 12
High level attack 12
Low level attack 12
Retreat 12
Win win 12
Couple conflict style 13
Tiptoe through the tulips 13
We argue over the slightest thing 13
We wake the whole neighbourhood 13
We don’t argue 13
We avoid each other for days 13
We sort it out face to face 13
Couples arguing styles 13
You be nasty I’ll be nice 13
Whatever you do I will overreact 13
You behave badly and I will withdraw 14
I’ll act fine then suddenly bite your hand off 14
I’ll be nasty until you are 14
I’ll talk you down from the tree but once you’re safe I’m off 14
Treating 14
Appeasement 14
Pre-emptive strike 14
High level attack 14
Low level attack 14
Retreating 14
Win-Win 15
Step 4 Making your emotions work for you 15
What are emotions? 15
Emotions are like children 15
Gearing up for an argument 15
5 tips for emotional drainage 16
Emotional challenge 17
Crunch point: can you take responsibility for your feelings 17
Screaming and sharing 17
Step 5 Re-understand your partner 18
Disillusionment path 18
The evidence collector 19
Six ways to disarm your partner 20
Can you ever forgive betrayal 21
Step 6 Learn to drive the argument process 21
Heading it off at the pass 22
Twelve ways to drive an argument alone 23
Tackle the fear head on 23
Meet the fundamental needs of an argument 24
6 Ways to drive an argument together 24
How do you know when it’s over? 25
Step 7 Start Communicating 26
How to listen with an open mind 26
Reflect your partners values 26
Are you hearing what your partner is saying 27
Talking to make contact 27
Set the scene 27
Engage 27
Don’t hog the limelight 27
Be cooperative not combative 27
Stay on track 27
Be straight rather than curved 27
Did you say what I think you said 28
Step 8 Resolve the Issue 28
Finding out what you want. 28
Crunch point, who and what comes first 28
Negotiating the peace agreement 28
Step 9 Trouble shoot the future 29
New conflict? 29
Step 10 Act on what you have discovered and learned 29
Step 1 Decide to change what you’re doing
Topics of argument
1.
Anything and everything
2.
Certain topics
3.
Really heated then can’t remember what it was
about later
4.
All arguments lead back to the same thing from
the past
Types of arguments
1.
Erupt quickly then die away
2.
Build slowly and then argue for a few days
3.
Daily skirmishes
4.
Month long sulks
Effect of arguments
1.
Minor irritation
2.
Panic: these arguments mean we have to split up
3.
Fury as you have been unjustly hurt
4.
Fear that you could do something you would
regret
5.
Exhaustion and disillusionment that you’ve been
to hell and back
There’s a point with arguing where you think enough is
enough and you want the pain to stop.
This point gets reached where you think you deserve better, you pass
some threshold for yourself or you think about your mortality or your partners
and think how you don’t want to go on like this. Maye you made a comparison
with another couple
The desire is to remove all disagreement, debate, difference
and painful feelings, but of course this isn’t possible or desirable as these
are the basis for strength and creativity.
Couples with difference provide breadth and balance. No disagreement means only one person’s voice
could be heard at one time, people are different. Painful feelings are useful
as they point out that something needs sorting out.
So how can you learn to disagree without hurting, by valuing
the others opinion.
To have healthy management of difference you need to avoid
1.
Nagging
2.
Sniping
3.
Sulking
Aim to understand and express your desires and emotions
rather than giving in. Try to respond to the desire so of your partner.
You will always have disagreements, couples you try to resolve
the disagreements via battles will find themselves traumatised. Couples who
never argue can then have a massive eruption of an argument as unresolved
issues come up. Aim is to find solutions
for both partners by never giving in and never giving up.
The way you handle conflict is the most important predictor
of divorce.
Negative conflict management
1.
You are unaware of what’s going on, you just
need to attack and defend
2.
You are merely critical of the other, you just
want to win or defend yourself
3.
You express your feelings hurtfully or you don’t
express them at all
4.
No real listening
5.
Each of you just wants to have what you want, there’s
no sense of coming to an agreement
6.
If one of you wins the other feels resentful, so
it will come back
7.
You become overwhelmed in emotions
Positive conflict management
1.
You negotiate a win win situation
2.
You can express what you feel without hurting
the other
3.
You appreciate the others point of view so they
are understood
What you need to help arguing
1.
Triggers to arguments
2.
How do you argue, i.e. symptoms, different types
of arguing
Argument Assessment (both do this)
1.
Frequency
2.
Intensity
3.
Topic
4.
Quick to build
5.
Length
6.
Time to recover
7.
Each partners response
8.
Feelings in argument
9.
Feelings about argument
10.
Motives for change
11.
Goal for change
As each partner does this you could realise
1.
The arguments are reasonable it’s the
relationship that’s wrong and needs to finish
2.
Arguments are painful, you want the
relationship, but it’s too hard to change
3.
You want to resolve conflict constructively but
fear you will never get what you want or give in all the time
Helpful hints for couples
1.
Have a clear goal in mind all the time
2.
Regularly imagine yourself meeting your partners
needs and them meeting your needs
3.
Take things slowly. This change will take time
and practice.
4.
Make changes one by one
5.
Don’t try making changes in the middle of a
crisis
6.
Stick with it, the start of change can be
difficult and there can be set backs.
Steps
1.
three things I want to change to improve
arguments
2.
3 things I will be doing differently when these
have improved
3.
Set a date to change
Step 2 Find out why you’re arguing
An argument is a bit like an onion or a Russian doll. What you think you’re arguing about is often not
what you are arguing about.
The outer layers of the argument are often practical.
1.
Money
2.
Sex
3.
Children
4.
Family
5.
Work
Sometimes solving the problem e.g. earning more money and
the arguments stop. If you can sort our
differences with a smile and hug and you have had an occasional heated argument
over a single issue this is probably you.
Almost always the argument is a symptom of your conflict
rather than the cause.
Bad relationship days can trigger arguments, so when there
are external stresses and pressures, you’re tired, stressed you will be more
emotionally reactive, more likely to have fights.
Conflicts come from disagreements that threaten.
8 Elements that can lead to arguments
1.
Tiredness
a.
Decrease in employment stability + Increase in
consumer demands=hard work=>reduce work and spending for more enjoyable lifestyle
2.
Stress
a.
Demand less of yourself allows more for your
partner
3.
Alcohol
a.
Inhibitor, so more likely to get angry and
argumentative and less likely to care about the consequences=> try not
drinking for a month and see what happens
4.
Time apart
a.
You can argue as you aren’t seeing enough of
each other which threatens your relationship. The treat then turns all
difference into conflict.
5.
Special occasions
a.
Christmas, holidays. We should be having fun +
alcohol+spending a lot more time together. Or anniversaries of deaths.
6.
Lack of space
a.
Arguments may be a way of giving yourself enough
space=>try to build in more “space” time for yourself
7.
Illness
a.
Depletes patient and carer of energy and
emotional resilience.
8.
Hormones
a.
PMT can make one week out of four unhappy.
Pregnancy an unhappy 9 months.
Contraceptive pills or steroids again can put the hormones out of
balance. Keep a diary to support this,
then go to the gp for advice
For any of the factors that encourage arguments, then notice
if any of them are around and make allowances on the basis of this, that it’s
not personal.
Steps
1.
For each lifestyle factor give it a ranking 0-5
2.
For each over 3 give some ideas to reduce the
effect of it
Whose argument are you having?
1.
You can model friends behaviour of sniping, or
just join in and take sides
2.
Boss shouts at you and you can’t retaliate, so
you retaliate as soon as you are allowed, for instance with your partner
3.
Other people stir up bad feeling in you, i.e.
sister gives you LSE feelings, but you care about them so don’t respond. Then
partner argues against them, you take their side
4.
Significant people in your life may stir bad
feelings about certain aspects about your partner
The aim with all of these, is to deal with the person
directly rather than taking it out on your partner. Again recognise the other
people that threaten the happiness in your relationship and work out how to
deal with it, with a common front.
Task
1.
Write down ten most important people to you
a.
Mark how each is influencing your relationship
and how.
b.
If its badly work out how as a couple you can
face this
Pay offs for arguing
1.
Exciting
2.
Making up
3.
Intensity
a.
You get and give strong emotions
4.
Intimacy
a.
Express real feelings
5.
Distance
a.
Arguing gives you some emotional distance no
fear of engulfment
6.
Attention
a.
You get your partners attention
7.
Security
a.
If your relationship can take your arguments you
are secure. If your partner doesn’t leave you, then there’s a sense of play
fight to know that you’re safe.
8.
Interest
a.
Arguing affects the comfortability of the status
quo, injects some energy into the relationship.
Assessment
1.
What are the pay offs for you when you argue
2.
Go through the above list and see what applies
to you
Learning\History
Through your life you have learnt how relationships should
be and all the aspects of it. What you know is undeniably true. You know how
things are and how things should be in your relationship and the world.
Therefore many arguments are based on the different
experiences we have both had and therefore our different views and rules about
the world and relationships. This is
more the case now with globalisation and with dynamic family structures and
changes of social structures. Therefore
a partner with a similar culture to you is less likely than it was. There can be an assumption that if you love,
you instinctively know what the other wants, but given the difference in
cultural experiences of everyone this can’t be the case.
Task:
Write how a woman\man partner should be
What makes a good\bad partnership?
When rules change
Sometimes different rules creates strength
Sometimes there are only small differences
Then a life event comes where you respond differently
together, or one of you responds differently to your life event and then the
rules have changed. This can then change the expectations you have of your
partner, but they aren’t usually communicated or negotiated.
6 key life changes
1.
Commitment
a.
Moving from dating to living together
2.
Child rearing
a.
How do you share looking after the child, how
does this affect your relationship, time and energy
3.
Career shift
a.
Promotion, demotion, redundancy etc.
i.
Does who earns the money decide who takes the
decisions. Is the wage earner who needs most support etc.?
4.
Empty nest syndrome
a.
Someone takes a job. You’ve forgotten how to
relate to each other. You’re bored and purposeless.
5.
Reaching a plateau
a.
You’ve achieved what you wanted to, now
everything is downhill. You may fight about one being too old, or too young.
6.
Retirement
a.
Infirmity, fear of death, was it all worth it,
what has the relationship produced
When there are these changes, they add extra stress. Under
these times, slow down, do less and re-assess
Task
1.
Draw a lifelike and mark all the points of major
life change on it
2.
How long did each change last (did it seem
different), and what were its effects. Do you expect different things of each
other
3.
How do
you make these changes more comfortable for you?
Deeper life problems
Arguments about money mask fears about worth, arguments
about the kids mask fears about being good parents. Arguments about sex, can be
about concerns or conflicts about getting your needs met, about being cared
for. Likewise arguments about being
demanding in bed, can reflect a wider argument about being demanding in the
relationship.
Signs an argument is about a deeper problem
1.
You move from one argument to another
2.
You resolve them practically but still feel
unsatisfied
3.
Do strong feelings come to the surface quite
quickly
Deeper layers of need
1.
Security
2.
Respect
3.
Fidelity
4.
Loyalty
5.
Fulfilment
6.
Love
7.
Affection
Three broad needs
1.
Feeling valued
2.
Feeling in control
3.
Feeling successful
Being valued
Am in valued more than other people in my partner’s life. Do
they see themselves as more valuable than me? Does he see his desires as more
important than mind? Arguments can be a way of expressing that I don’t feel
valued. Arguments as forcing partner to value you.
Control you need to feel in control
Humans need to feel that they have control in their lives,
that they can satisfy their desires. Arguments can be a way of feeling more in
control.
Success
If you and your partner believe you are successful in
(partner, parent, lover) the relationship then with conditions of worth then
you are valued. Arguments can be used as
a way to increase sense of success.
Task:
1.
Write down main issue you are having
2.
Write down bigger problems\concerns that you and
your partner have
Past betrayals
If there’s reminder in your current relationship of a
previous betrayal then it can start arguments and bad feeling. For instance you were left by your dad, now
every time your partner goes away you feel panic and argue to stop him going.
Avoidance and tension relief
Sometimes arguments about trivial things happens as it can
diffuse the tension caused by a bigger conflict or problem that the couple are
afraid to engage with
Step 3 Analysing how you are arguing
When you’re in the middle of a relationship you haven’t got
the time to stop and think, you are fighting for your rights, fighting off
aggression, fighting for your emotional survival.
How you handle conflict whilst it might feel spontaneous has
been built up over the years through learning, modelling and testing. You learn
how to fight in the same way as you learn what clothes you like and how to act
at parties.
Find out how you argue and what the influence to this have
been then give them back!
Toddlers need to be looked after, its critical they get
their needs met or they die or don’t develop.
Toddlers use crying, being cute, asking to get their needs
met. First conflict is met between you and care giver in how your needs get
met. Second conflict is your needs being one need amongst others, so care giver
might be unavailable.
When toddlers enter conflict it is scary as others wield
more power so are more likely to win. So the approach to getting your needs met
is with vulnerability and defensiveness and aggressive.
Children strategies to get what they want
1.
Be good=>they’ll give me what I want
2.
Cling=>they won’t abandon me
3.
If I fight them off early enough they won’t hurt
me=>defensive, spikey, critical
4.
If I make enough noise I’ll get what I
want=>screaming, hitting, complaining
5.
If I persuade them they’ll see a
reason=>debate, argumentative
6.
If I act needy I will get what I
want=>whining, pleading
7.
If I don’t do it happily I haven’t
lost=>sulking, sullen
8.
If I reject them they will do what I
want=>rejecting, walking away
9.
If I can’t get something openly, I will be
underhand=>lie, cheat, steal
10.
If I can’t control the world at least I can
control myself=>withdraw control your own feelings
11.
I can trust myself and the world=>get when
given, ok when not, securely attached child
Lessons from mum and dad
We learn how conflict should be managed from our mum and our
dad.
Parental ways of coping
1.
Put up or shut up, do something about it or stop
complaining
2.
Love conquers all, if you sacrifice enough you
will overcome all difficulties
3.
Never apologise, never explain: do what you
want, you don’t need to be accountable to anyone
4.
Don’t be a doormat: if you let your partner get
away with it they will trample all over you
5.
Don’t get mad get even, don’t get angry,
strategic manipulation is better
6.
Keep your partner under your thumb, The best way
to run a relationship is to be in charge
7.
Guess who wears the trousers in the
relationship. Men should be in charge in a relationship
8.
Not in front of the children: arguing is so bad,
it shouldn’t be done in front of the children
9.
Don’t let your guard down: if you show your emotions
then you will be exploited
Sometimes you choose a parent to copy, sometimes it’s a
blend, sometimes it’s an inversion.
You learn to fight through experience
Then as life happens and you need to cope then you learn
your ways of fighting. You start with siblings. The eldest may have to be look
after the youngest, so need to be in total control. The youngest may be bullied
or babied and not able to assert their needs or allow others theirs. The middle
child learns how to negotiate.
If you always get your own way, you might learn you can have
whatever you want.
If you are dominated then you might end up rebelling or
learning that giving into others is the safest move.
Learning conflict
1.
Siblings
2.
Colleagues
3.
Friends
4.
Parents
5.
Partners
It is a funny one as you have conflict and with people who
you want certain things from. The more you want from them the more difficult
having the conflict is.
Task
Fill in the following about conflict
My parents taught me
My sisters taught me
My friends taught me
My teachers taught me
My partners taught me
What are your conflict styles?
You argue based on topic, situation and how your partner
reacts. Your conflict style is based on all the building blocks you have.
Appeasement:
Behaviour=Agree, apologise, clinging, jealous
Beliefs=If I cause trouble they will leave. If I show how
much I need them then they won’t leave me. My desires are less important than
having them around
Pre-emptive
Beliefs=Life’s tricky, so I need to watch it unless I get
hurt
Behaviour any ambiguity assume it’s a conflict, dig heels on
all points, use of rules, should and musts
Beliefs I need to spot trouble before it starts. If I give
an inch he will take a mile. Unless I lay down the rules things will fall
apart.
High level attack
Beliefs=the world is a dangerous place Indeed to fight for
my rights
Behaviours= critical, attacking,
Low level attack
Beliefs if I go for what I want head on there will be
trouble
Behaviours= logical argument, which if lose appeal to not
being reasonable. Nag and whinge, use
emotional black mail. Go along with things unwillingly. Overtly agree, but covertly not
Beliefs: If I don’t keep on I won’t get what I want. If I
knuckle under with duress I haven’t lost. Being sneaky is the only way to get
what I want.
Retreat
Behaviour=avoid conflict, retreat, deny conflict
Beliefs=I can’t take the strain from my own feelings or from
others
Win win
Beliefs=I’m ok you’re ok
Behaviours= look for win win outcomes
Task:
Establish your personal style form the options above then do
that of your partners
You will have chosen your partner partly on their
conflictual style. Although you just might have ruled out unacceptable ones rather
than finding one style hot.
Sometimes you and your partner’s conflict styles, are
similar, or different but matching, or different but conflictual.
The result is that when you get more conflicts your
resultant conflictual style determines whether or not you can handle conflicts
or if it starts destroying your relationship.
Couple conflict style
Tiptoe through the tulips
Both appeasers: this can in the short term reduce aggression
but can bury resentments that can come out in depression, sexual difficulties
or unconscious attacks, e.g. breaking his favourite x by mistake
We argue over the slightest thing
Both pre-emptive strikes: This can be temporary whilst there
is change or extra stress but when you feel more secure you settle down. If it doesn’t this causes emotional
exhaustion.
We wake the whole neighbourhood
Both high level attack.
This can work if the arguments form a bond for you, it can work if after
the argument things die down.
We don’t argue
Both are in low level attack, and it’s a war of attrition.
There is no overt conflict apart from the odd eruption most conflict is handled
subtlety and indirectly.
We avoid each other for days
Fine short term remedy to trauma but if it continues your
relationship fossilises.
We sort it out face to face
Using your securely attached, no conditions of worth win win
approach, if ever there’s a conflict you end up loving it and your partner, who
has just made you stronger.
When your styles mismatch
When you don’t get what you want using your strategy then
settle for getting attention, upstage your partner, or pushes their buttons.
The aim being to create an effect.
Couples arguing styles
You be nasty I’ll be nice
An appeaser and another carries all the unpleasant emotions.
It’s as if once one person carries all the negative emotions there isn’t any
space for any more in the relationship. Both specialise in their own emotions
Whatever you do I will overreact
Overreactions are usually pre-emptive strikes, terrified at
the prospect of giving in, they up the ante
You behave badly and I will withdraw
Someone feels threatened or overstimulated so retreats to
cool down, or feel safe again. The other partner tries to make contact and the
other partner chases them around the room
I’ll act fine then suddenly bite your hand off
This is probably appeasement that erupts into attack. More than likely the original offence was
some time ago, but it has been simmering, then triggered
I’ll be nasty until you are
One person winds the other person up until they feel hurt. Probably
attack masking appeasement.
I’ll talk you down from the tree but once you’re
safe I’m off
Starting in appeasement during fight, then when things calm
down go into retreat
Treating
Appeasement
So this is devaluing your needs over the relationship. This will
result either in internal attack, i.e. depression, or external attack as it all
builds up. So a better way is to acknowledge your needs and communicate them.
If your partner is used to your compliance you may get some strong reactions
initially.
Pre-emptive strike
You lash out at the first sign of trouble but you create
more problem by doing this. This can then cause your partner to do the same
thing. Rather wait until there is real trouble.
Then try to resolve things calmly rather than attacking.
High level attack
Put your energy into satisfying both of your desires, so
problem solving and understanding.
Low level attack
Hard one to change as change happens imperceptibly. This approach may push your partner away by a
drip feed of bad feeling.
Retreating
Keep in touch even when things seem tough. Keep your ears
and eyes open. Try to understand what is happening between you.
Win-Win
This is part of the basic make up of humans so if you’re not
doing this all you need to do is built on it
Step 4 Making your emotions work for you
Emotions are the driving force of conflict, if you didn’t
feel hurt, angry, unhappy, disillusioned there would be no conflict there would
be a discussion.
The aim of the conflict is to feel better so it’s an emotional
movement from painful emotion to pleasant. The trick is not to remove emotions
but rather make them work for you.
Emotions can point out where a problem is, and help you
point that out to your partner.
What are emotions?
Natures smoke alarms, shows us something is important and
needs action.
Emotions prepare us for action, the effect so of the
“positive” emotions can be really pleasant and the “unpleasant” emotions be
really unpleasant but both are useful.
In the face of threat, then our response is to fight, flight
or freeze. The threat can be physical, or mental. A threat to our relationship,
or our perceived well-being.
Not getting your needs met in relationships is a threat.
Fear and anger lead to flight or fight.
Emotions point to problems but are like small problems they
want action immediately which makes a lot of sense with physical threat but
less so with mental threat.
Emotions are like children
1.
Easily spooked, can think a small thing is a big
thing, so are prone to misunderstanding
2.
They can overwhelm you
3.
Mix up past and present
4.
Confuse fantasy and reality, i.e. can react to
your imagination or your thoughts not what is happening
5.
May make you over react, better safe than sorry
Emotions are wonderful though because
1.
They make you instantly alert
2.
Can never be ignored
3.
Have energy
Gearing up for an argument
There is a trigger that is interpreted by a thought that
something is wrong. This threat is emotionally felt as fear, something I value
is being threatened.
There are three main responses to your perceived needs being
met and you feeling fear
1.
You may give in to your partner: fear feels too
much
a.
This is appeasement, its where a threat leads to
flight
2.
You erupt with anger
a.
Threat leads to fight, be it pre-emptive
strikes, high or low level attacks
i.
Low level attacks: nagging, whinging, being
contemptuous
3.
Disengage
a.
Ignore your emotions or suppress them. Men
retreat more than women as they physiologically feel emotions more intensely
than women.
So the point is there is a problem, an unmet need. If you ignore,
deny it or force your partner to give it to you, it doesn’t help you solve your
problem.
If you appease your partner then after a while either your
needs will erupt or you will stay with your fear which will end in depression,
hopelessness and physical illness.
If you have a lot of feelings on red alert trying to protect
you, then you can defend yourself. Sex is the most powerfully affecting
relationship area. It generates powerful emotions and is a place where you show
your desire, get your pleasure, make your bond.
Sex then can be the first line of defence. I can withhold my
bond to you as I don’t feel safe, I feel scared of you. I can withhold your
pleasure as I’m angry with you. I can withhold my pleasure. I can fear your
judgement of being good enough so I will withhold. Maybe you withdraw emotions
from your partner as a way to protect yourself as you feel pain in emotional
engagement so you withdraw all emotions.
Emotions alert you to a threat, which may be incorrect. How
you respond to the threat is up to you.
A win win style is the aim rather than appease, attack or
retreat.
Arguing variations Task
1.
Do you Erupt with Anger, Disengage or retreat
2.
What are the factors that make you do one rather
than another
a.
Level of emotion
b.
Content of argument
c.
Partner response
Emotional response
It’s often the organs around your midline that are affected
first, your chest, stomach, shoulders, back.
These can be useful as an early warning sign.
5 tips for emotional drainage
If the sensation of emotions are too strong then reducing
their impact can be useful
1.
Deep breathing
2.
Count backwards from 50
3.
Time out
4.
Distraction
5.
Positive thinking
6.
Express emotions safely, e.g. on a pillow
Emotional challenge
When the sensations of the emotions are lowered then you can
look to understand what your emotions are telling you
3 emotional challenge questions
1.
What am I feeling, what is the fear and what is
the thought to explain it
2.
When have I felt this in the past
3.
Why might I think what I currently feel is
untrue
Practice managing emotions after conflict, when you get good
at it you can do it in conflict.
Managing conflict
1.
What emotion do you feel
2.
If there’s a threat you are responding to ask
yourself what the fear(s) are that sit behind this response
3.
What thoughts\meanings are there for you to
understand these emotions
4.
Are these thoughts true\useful
Crunch point: can you take responsibility for your
feelings
If you blame the other person for your feelings they will
feel accused then attack you back, or possibly attack themselves
It is also quit often untrue that another person makes you
feel a certain way, its how you interpret based on your experiences.
Your partner’s behaviour is the trigger, then you add your
interpretation, your previous experiences, how you feel that day, the fact your
partner may be reacting to how you have acted to them...
Screaming and sharing
Sharing emotions tends to make them go away;. However fear
creates hearing loss as does high emotions. A short sharp scream can release
tension, although it can also be seen as an attacking gesture by your partner.
Emotions need action taken if action isn’t taken they can
hang around.
State your needs, and how not having them met threatens you
It might take a long time of negotiation to get your needs
met or to compromise on them.
These 6 steps to manage emotions build on each other and it’s
hard to do the later without the former
1.
Notice your emotions
2.
Drain them of intensity
3.
Challenge them
4.
Take responsibility
5.
Share and scream
Emotional time bombs can result from big events, traumas etc.,
or from small ones being let down when you were young that were powerful at the
time. Sharing your feelings is an especially good way to diffuse an emotional
time bomb.
If you find an emotion that you can’t cope with
1.
Notice does it remind you of a previous event
2.
Replay what happened in the past, feel the
emotions
3.
Notice the difference between that time and now
Only deal with small emotional time bombs with friends, use
a counsellor for the bigger ones.
Step 5 Re-understand your partner
If you want to stop arguing you have to stop criticising,
stop engaging with your partner as continually aggravating, as over time this
is like chafing of the skin on your clothes and it will hurt.
There was a point in your relationship where you sympathises
and empathised and understood. Now is the time to re-understand. Which is a question of re-finding your
partners, identity: thoughts, emotions, behaviours, motivations all over again.
If you can do that you will stop criticising.,
Disillusionment path
This is the path that led you to the level of arguments that
you are now having.
You meet, you fall in love, you have sex, you give and
receive. You feel good it never occurs to you to go on the attack or to defend
yourself, you generally aim to win win.
You are probably are so in tune with one another you never think to see
things differently. However this is a
myth because everyone is different and sees things differently. Over time these differences show.
Differences can be complementary, or they can cause
conflict, One asks the other cant\wont oblige, one thinks white the other
black. If you can get a win win
resolution then this deals with the conflict. If one person gives in
reluctantly or is forced to give in then this can breed resentment for the
future. And the conflict continues.
Disillusionment Path
|
Stage 1
|
Falling in love
|
Aware of similarity
|
Able to give
|
|
Stage 2
|
Moving closer
|
Aware of difference
|
Willing to give
|
|
Stage 3
|
Beginning to worry
|
Aware of the difference
|
Less able to give
|
|
Stage 4
|
Trying to resolve things
|
Ignore the difference
|
Giving in hope
|
|
Stage 5
|
Building suspicion
|
Resenting differences
|
Feeling resentful in giving
|
|
Stage 6
|
Being in conflict
|
Attacking and defending differences
|
Refusing to give
|
|
Stage 7
|
Feeling hopeless
|
Hating differences
|
Fully disillusioned
|
Task
Note 5 original differences to you that attracted you to
your partner.
Note how each difference has made your partnership better
Through understanding your partner, it can help you to
understand that whilst their differences may irritate you they are done
maliciously.
If you understand your partner more, even if they don’t
reciprocate it will change the relationship they will attack and defend less.
To work your way back down the disillusionment path you have
to work out why your partner lashes out, or retreats. You may be afraid that if you take your
defences down your partner will have even more control.
The evidence collector
First understand what your partner says that you interpret
negatively
There are six collectors to do this
1.
Look at your partner
a.
Is there any evidence from my partners body
language that what I think is the case isn’t true
2.
Listen to your partner
a.
any evidence from what my partner says that
means what I think is the case isn’t true
3.
Check your mood
a.
If your mood was different would you interpret differently?
4.
Remember
a.
Is there any counter evidence to what’s been
said or done recently to suggest it wasn’t true
5.
Remember more
a.
When this has happened before did my negative
interpretation come true?
6.
Investigate
a.
Ask your partner a question that will gain
further evidence
The final suggestion of asking your partner to gain further
evidence is both the most useful and the more uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable
as you assume that your partner is behaving badly and if you don’t do it
carefully your partner will feel criticised.
Sometimes you check our bad behaviour, and you make a
negative prediction that is true. So if
they criticised you, then we need to look underneath the surface to understand
what drew them to this.
To understand why your partner behaves badly firstly
understand what are your triggers to withdraw, attack or defend. Notice how when your needs aren’t met you
feel angry or afraid, and either which way the underpinning of both of them is
fear.
Your partners fears come from two sources, one your
behaviour, two their past. #
You:
When you lash out your partner thinks they are going to be
hurt, when you withdraw your partner thinks they will be left,
Pre-emptive strikes=your partner fears attack from behind
High level strikes=your partner fears for their safety
Low level strikes=your partner doesn’t respect you
Deny your emotion or withdraw= I will be abandoned/rejected.
Their past
Your partner’s aggression, defence or withdrawal isn’t
always aimed at you, it’s aimed at the people who had threatened them when they
were young and vulnerable. They can be arguing with all the people in the past
that they argued with and now they are trying to resolve it with you. When you
realise that your partners reactions come from the past, and come from fear
then you can resolve your arguments.
Six ways to disarm your partner
If you change how you act, it will change how your partner
reacts. If you show you understand them
may stop attacking you, but it may take some time.
1.
Show your partner you empathise
2.
Acknowledge your partners emotion
3.
Appreciate your partners view point
a.
Beware of tit for tatting
4.
Recognise your partners needs both the surface
and the deeper
5.
Be
prepared to act
6.
Show your love
7.
Start 1018
Task Panic buttons
Write a list of things that you do that press your partner’s
buttons. Write down what it feels like for them when you do them
On the other side write down what things calms your partners
down, better still aske them
Understanding your partner may not be enough if there’s
substance abuse, violence or depression around.
Can you ever forgive betrayal
A betrayal can mean you won’t trust. Not trusting means you
don’t let your guard down so preventing your partner’s ability to understand
you. Likewise if you hang onto the
betrayal you will continually interpret your partner as a betrayer even when it
was done a long time ago
Ways to forgive
1.
See it as in the past and as now irrelevant
2.
~Think of how positive aspects of relationship
outweigh this
3.
Your partner is truly contrite, they made a
mistake and you don’t fear it happening again
4.
You understand why they at the time did it
5.
You realise that you in some way had a part in
what happened
Task
If you can swop notes then take an issue of betrayal, both
explain their understanding of why it happened, what happened and what it
meant. Each explain their part own part in it. Avoid blaming. Express
understanding and sympathy, express remorse then move on..
If you were both the same, you would both have the same
vulnerabilities, the same blind spots. Being different allows you to overcome
these. Together you are stronger due to difference.
Step 6 Learn to drive the argument process
Spot a fight, curb it and turn it into a constructive discussion.
An argument is a dance where you feed of each other’s moves,
anyone of you, can stop playing the argument dance.
Who started an argument? Well firstly the “initiator” can be
in response to the other, or indeed can be in reaction to their environment, or
their history. Even with an initiator it still takes the other person to get
the argument underway. There are small
micro movements that can worsen an argument, the tone, the eye roll, the
grimace. Likewise you can turn the argument around with the same subtlety.
If you turn around this argument, not only do you improve
this argument, but you also add to your ability to turn around future
arguments.
Conceptualisation
Trigger
Unhelpful thoughts=>unhelpful feelings
Escalation to argument
Then either helpful resolution i.e. win win and it’s resolved
Or unhelpful resolution, withdraw, kiss and make up,
appeasement, so problem isn’t resolved it’s ignored or denied and is still
there to be reawaken later.
Heading it off at the pass
Spot early warning signs
Your signals
1.
You start thinking critically about your partner
2.
You start feeling fear in your body
3.
You start feeling anger in your body
4.
You think it’s better to have an argument than
keep the peace.
Signals between you
1.
You stop interacting
2.
You turn away and don’t look at each other in
the eye
3.
Your tone of voice changes
4.
When you ask is the other ok you get an
irritated response
5.
You start contradicting each other
6.
You start questioning each other
7.
You use controlling language, you mustn’t you
shouldn’t.
8.
You touch each other less
Task
Write down your signals of a brewing argument, your partners
and your relationships.
To tackle early warning signs then
1.
Relax
2.
Review
3.
Reach out
Relax:
Mutual tension can get passed between you, such that you
then become more defensive to protect yourself and then more aggressive. So to
relax yourself, PMR, or your tone and body language can help relax you and to
relax what is passed to your partner.
Review:
What are your emotions trying to tell you? Are you tired and therefore misinterpreting
what you partner says.
Reach out:
do something, if you’ve both had a bad day, then
something nice for you. If there is a
problem between you is now the best time to deal with it, if not when
Twelve ways to drive an argument alone
1.
Play with timing
a.
Arguments, like comedy depend on timing. So
change yours, respond slower, slow the speed of your voice down
2.
Do something unexpected
a.
Use a different response, or say do something
different, this can change your usual
argument dance
3.
Humour
a.
You humour to break the flow, but not a joke at
your partner that is demeaning
4.
Sex
a.
Use a sexy comment
5.
Expose your soft feelings
a.
Let your partner know about your hurt or
vulnerability
6.
Comment on the situation
a.
Take perspective outside the argument. Always
talk from the I, not the you which contains a blame, I’m sad vs you’re making
me cry
7.
Ask for more information
8.
Offer a genuine apology
Reward what you want more of.
All conflict is based on fear
Tackle the fear head on
Not an easy strategy when the bullets are flying
|
When your partners response is to
|
You might be doing this through fear
of
|
When you catch yourself doing that
|
When you catch your partner doing
that
|
|
Back down, given in appeasement style
|
Of creating trouble that will lose
love or the relationship
|
Reassure yourself that with
increasing skill you can ask for what you want
|
Let your partner know that you aren’t
going to reject him
|
|
Go on the defensive\lash out first
|
Being unsafe, being caught unawares
|
Reassure yourself that you are safe
and can cope whatever happens
|
Calm your partners fears through
backing off and reassuring that you are not trying to x, whatever it is they
are defending themselves from
|
|
High level attack
|
Being seriously threatened
|
Reassure partner they are not in
serious danger or leave the room if you are
|
Suggesting that you take time to calm
down
|
|
Low level attack
|
Fear of not having your needs met
|
Reassure yourself that you are
learning skills to get you more of what you want
|
Ask your partner what they want, what
their needs are, tell them what yours are, then you can negotiate
|
|
Emotionally withdraw
|
Being overwhelmed by the situation
|
~Reassure yourself that you are
learning skills to defuse your emotions
|
Offer your partner an emotion
overload reducer
|
Make an offer
Listening to what your partner wants and making them an
offer is a master stroke.
Meet the fundamental needs of an argument
Sometimes you’ve argued so long you forget what you are
arguing about. The argument less represents our fundamental needs than is our fundamental
needs. To feel valued, control and success I have to win this argument. If you fulfil your partner’s fundamental
needs then the argument subsides, but if it’s at the expense of your own you
are deferring the problem.
The argument can be a thing in itself winning, feeling
valued feeling in control. If someone is trying to work out what to do, you can
have an argument by telling them, as opposed to helping them understand their
thoughts and feelings.
Task
Look at the argument strategies you use and rate which is
the easiest and which the hardest, try the easiest one first then make it
progressively harder
6 Ways to drive an argument together
1.
Agree a stop signal (advance technique)
a.
Agree to stop and see what’s going on
b.
Cry foul, when your partner is attacking you
2.
Bring on a conflict coach
a.
Imagine what someone impartial and no nonsense
would say
3.
Take turns
a.
Use a speaking ball, or a timer with max amount
of time
4.
Offer personalised comfort
a.
We all need comfort, more so in conflict. If you
offer it in conflict you can change the dynamic. However what is comforting to
one person at one time isn’t at another. So find out what functions as
comforting. Find out what your comfort needs are (what someone offers to
comfort is often how their needs are satisfied.)
5.
Act Adult
a.
When you fight is either being a strict parent,
or a rebellious child. If so move to a problem solving adult approach.
i.
Rebellious child signs
1.
Whinging sulking shouting
2.
Blaming,
3.
Digging in heels
4.
Defending
5.
Playing games
ii.
Strict parent
1.
Talking in a stern voice
2.
Criticising
3.
Commanding
4.
Patronising
5.
Justifying yourself
6.
Punishing
iii.
Wise adult
1.
Talking in calm voice
2.
Admitting own needs
3.
Not defending own position
4.
Accepting the other persons needs
5.
Listening
6.
Negotiating
7.
Problem solving
6.
Time out
a.
On a code word give each other time to cool down
i.
To calm down emotionally you need a minimum of
20 mins Use the time to focus on why you were arguing, and try to enhance your
understanding of the other
Task: rate the difficulty of each task
about, try each strategy in turn starting from the easiest task
How do you know when it’s over?
12 signals that the argument is over
Inner signals
1.
You think positively about your partner
2.
You feel relaxed
3.
You think it was crazy to have argued
4.
You can admit your part in the argument
5.
You talk about good times you’ve had together or
you will have
Signals between you
1.
You talk as much as you usually do
2.
You can look at each other again
3.
You can hear your partners voice without tensing
4.
You check with each other to see how you’re
doing
5.
You use agreement phrases
6.
You use permission phrases
7.
You can touch each other again
These signals however are only that good feeling has been
restored, not necessarily that you have reached a win win conclusion. That is fine when the argument arose out of a
general bad feeling, e.g. tired. But if there is a conflict then you need
resolution. Negotiation and
communication are what are needed for problem solving.
After an argument finishes, take time to recover as a
couple. Do something nice, celebrate the end of hostilities. Notice if you have
held onto the argument, i.e. stamp collecting. Does this show that resolution
is still needed?
Step 7 Start Communicating
Using communications to avoid conflict by
1.
Touch base every day
2.
Understanding each other’s differences
3.
Sharing emotions and defusing arguments
4.
Updating each other on how life changes have
changed your expectations
5.
Exchanging information on your individual needs
6.
Making arrangements to cope with practical
problems
7.
Defusing tension as it arises
8.
Trouble shooting problems in advance
9.
Preparing the ground for negotiations
How to listen with an open mind
While your partners talking it’s as important not to talk out
loud as it is to talk in your head. Don’t prepare what to say, don’t compare to
your experience, rather focus in on theirs, what they are saying, now they are
saying it
Things to avoid
1.
Expecting what your partner will say
2.
Judging your partners ideas mentally before
they’ve spoken
3.
Setting up stringent mental conditions before
your partner has spoken
The above mean that you are not open to your partners view
and you are dogmatic. Whilst you’re thinking these things, your body will
reflect your thinking style. Your
partner will interpret it.
Reflect your partners values
Notice what your partner says and why, what they are
expressing. E.g. concern. Notice how you can value that underlying concern or
diminish it. Interrupting, disagreeing will minimize what your partner is
saying. Only give your partner your
opinion when you have understood theirs.
Are you hearing what your partner is saying
When you listen, listen to the tone, emphasis, watch the
body language, meaning comes across these areas. Your partner’s words may only be the tip of
the iceberg, he may be saying things now, but be remembering what happened
before.
Avoid presuming\mind reading, don’t ignore the past, but
don’t assume it’s happening again.
If you say back to your partner what you have understood,
you can both clarify meaning and consolidate your hearing and memory.
Listening practice: three times a week practice listening to
your partner
Talking to make contact
There are ways of talking that make it hard to listen,
concentrate, appreciate or understand.
There are ways to talk that can enable other people to listen.
Set the scene
No interruptions, calm and clear headed
Engage
Aim to engage with your partner talk openly, towards them,
use touch. If you notice yourself holding back change the topic to how you’re
feeling.
Particularly difficult are the no go areas, areas where when
you talk about you have an argument. Try
to deal with the uncomfortable emotions before you talk about this, see
previous thoughts in this document.
Don’t hog the limelight
Neither hold back too much nor dominate too much. Talk in
bite sized chunks several sentences at a time.
Be cooperative not combative
Support don’t challenge as this can take you back to the war
zone. Understand their point of view, there’s a good reason for them thinking
the way they do, don’t expect they will immediately agree with your point of
view. If you directly contradict, you are likely to get conflict back. Rather
try, I understand where you are coming from but here are my concerns. Make requests not commands.
Stay on track
Communication is better when it stays focussed. Avoid
bringing up a backlog of grievances, stay with the one issue.
Be straight rather than curved
This can be difficult if you are afraid of your partner’s
reaction. Avoid changing subject, jokes,
blaming someone else, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind, rather than I’d feel better
doing x
Did you say what I think you said
You need to check if you’ve understood. Look for some dissonance that would suggest
you haven’t, good listening is not about agreeing.
Step 8 Resolve the Issue
Any resolution requires you knowing what you’d really like.
Finding out what you want.
1.
Make a guess
2.
Say what you do want rather than what you don’t
want
3.
Discover the real need
a.
Look for what your base need is underneath the
surface need, to be valued, respected, feel safe, that you are successful,
powerful
4.
Specify the evidence.
a.
Be specific as to what would satisfy the need
5.
Admit what isn’t important
a.
It might be the act of giving rather than the
fit, or time away not the place
6.
Don’t ask for the impossible
a.
Somethings might be completely implausible for
your partner to do, through values, resources etc. Fundamental needs can’t be met completely by
another To feel completely valued, can’t be totally achieved by your partner
7.
Be clear about the bottom line
a.
Don’t cry wolf, understand what is and isn’t
acceptable within the relationship
Crunch point, who and what comes first
Our society says if you don’t win, then you are a loser,
failure and weak. But in love it doesn’t work like this, you need to compromise
to ensure you both win, so you see wining as be something that happens to the
couple.
If only one of you gets what you want in an area then you
are storing up a problem for later.
Sometimes we don’t say what we want as we want to avoid
rejection, or we don’t feel we deserve it.
Negotiating the peace agreement
How do you deal with fundamental different needs?
1.
Communicate your needs
a.
Look at the underneath needs to the surface
needs
i.
This can help you look to other ways to satisfy
your needs apart from the current specific clash
2.
Explore the evidence
a.
Break your need into components, what is it
about it you must have, and don’t need to have
3.
Find more possibilities
a.
If there are only two options that’s hard, so
generate more choices
4.
Add in resources
a.
Can more time, money or advice help the stalemate
5.
Pros and cons
6.
Balance out wants
a.
So split down the middle, both go independently
on holiday then meet up at Xmas. Do part of your choice this year, and part of
my choice next year
7.
Experiment
a.
Try before you buy on one, see what happens
8.
Set up safety nets
a.
If you can’t experiment, ensure you have back
out routes.
9.
Set up monitor dates
a.
If one has pulled out, then maybe it didn’t\couldn’t
work for them
Step 9 Trouble shoot the future
If you’re successful in your relationship in a years’ time
what would you be doing. So start doing it now
New conflict?
You’ve a serious problem
You are panicking when you see a small conflict and
forgetting the new skills you have learnt
You aren’t detecting problems earlier enough
Signs you have a serious problem, i.e. different values, or
different desires
1.
Argue every time in each other’s company
2.
There is hatred between you
3.
Substance abuse, gambling, having an affair
4.
Making plans to leave the other
Step 10 Act on what you have discovered and learned
Step 1 Goal setting
Step 2 Reasons why we argue (internal\external we argue).
Reasons that keep us arguing.
Step 3 Conflict patterns, their type and origin. Couple
conflict pattern
Step 4 Handling emotions. Emotional time bombs
Step 5 Difference, how my partner is different to me. Partners fear.
Step 6 Driving arguments, how to reduce and manage them.
Step 7 Communications, listening and talking
Step 8 Behavioural exchange
Step 9 Relapse prevention
