Contents
Chapter 1 Why Intimacy is important 1
Intimacy 2
What makes sex difficult 2
Chapter 2 Gender differences 2
Sexual frequency 3
Changing your sexual thinking 3
Thinking differently about sex 3
Sexual triggers 3
Responsive versus active desire 3
Chapter 3 Your sexual Image 4
Chapter 4 keeping your relationship alive 4
Chapter 5 The sexual dowry 4
Chapter 6 Sexual performance 5
Chapter 7 Body Knowledge 6
Chapter 8 Sexual secrets 7
Chapter 9 Ageing 8
Chapter 10 Physical limitations 8
Chapter 11 Sexual dysfunctions 8
Chapter 12 Psychosexual therapy 10
Chapter 13 Sexual Realism 10
Chapter 14 Communicating 10
Chapter 15 Safe Sexual experimentation 11
Conclusion Celebrating Sexuality 11
Chapter 1 Why Intimacy is important
Sex and affection can communicates closeness, that you let the other person know they are special \safe through your behaviour.
Touch can communicate care, or desire.
Ironically the more you care about someone the harder it can be to enjoy relaxed sensuality. Now sex matters. As you don’t want to get it wrong
Intimacy
Being intimate means that safe space where you can fully be yourself with your vulnerabilities, where you can risk without judgement
What makes sex difficult
Thoughts of how sex should be via society
Thoughts of what my body should look like to be attractive
Thinking there is a medical solution to my sexual problem and not finding it
Hands exercise
Take both hands explore
Take one hand explore
To finish guide them to touch your arms, shoulder and head
Get the other partner to do this
When finished hold your gaze before finishing
If you find non sexual touching difficult you may think that all sexual feelings must be acted on. It’s extremely unlikely that both of you will be aroused at the same time, so often one of you will go along with sex, without arousal, hoping to get aroused whilst you do.
Sexual behaviours
Some sexual activities\flirting\seduction can lead to sex some can be pleasurable on their own
Chapter 2 Gender differences
There are gender stereotypes, man as strong, woman as pretty, women less interested in sex, men more so.
Men however can believe that sex can fix relationship problems, women that relationship problems need addressing before sex works. Men are likely to see sexual frequency as a relationship barometer whilst women value talking as a barometer for the relationship. Men can seek sex to confirm the relationship is going well. So sex is reassuring, relieving comforting and can have meaning about the couple.
On the surface men have less episodes of emotional closeness and more sexual and women vice versa, it could be that this is how each of them express closeness and that the relationship is working.
Sexual frequency
Only a problem when one of you see it as a problem. Often you can be satisfied but think you ought to have more. Most partners have different desires for sexual frequency but few discuss, rather they use behaviours to manage their desires.
So it make take some planning for the best time for sex. It might take some thought of other things you can do when you can’t or don’t want to have sex.
When someone just wants sex this can enhance love, sometimes both of you just want sex. Sometimes notice that your partner has two desires, to have sex, to have sex with you.
Sex can become about point scoring and making yourself not feel bad rather than making yourself feeling good.
Changing your sexual thinking
If you saw your partners need for sex as being a need for reassurance then you may change your behaviour and reassure them in other ways.
They pester, you push away, they feel rejected and pester more.
Thinking differently about sex
• Don’t be hung up on intercourse
• Don’t blame yourself or your partner
• Avoid making assumptions, check out what your partner is thinking
• Recognise when you are feeling\being sexual
• Appreciate when your partner is offering affection and intimacy
• Asses what is possible
• Stop worrying
Sexual triggers
Could be anything. Women generally behaviour follows arousal. Men conceivably have more obvious triggers, women more subtle ones. Tired and distracted affects sex. Some women want intimacy to have sex, some men want to get intimacy through sex.
Avoid a knee jerk reaction to sexual approaches can help, as they can stifle future ones. It might be helpful to think why you want it, and also why your partner does or doesn’t.
Desire for women is likely to be higher in the middle of the month when they ovulate.
Responsive versus active desire
Responsive desire being that you don’t necessarily feel desire but as someone acts on theirs you respond with desire. If both people have responsive desire non one initiates it. If you believe a man should always initiate then this would be a problem
Sometimes partners can give subtle sexual clues which if their partners don’t pick up on can be taken as a rejection.
Take responsibility for your own sexual needs, and not your partner’s duty to fix them. Work out what sexual desire is through sexual frustration and which through relational concerns.
Being affectionate can strengthen the bond between you.
Chapter 3 Your sexual Image
To be relaxed with your sexuality your sexual self needs to be someone you are aware of, value and can comfortably expressed when the situation arises.
People think as sex is natural therefore it ought to be easy. The aim is instant arousal and deep mutual satisfaction after a building of intensity. The reality is quite different, and involves wet patches, waiting for arousal niggling thoughts etc.
Peoples first experiences which are generally not what they expected can lead to thoughts that they are doing something wrong.
Sex comes with a fear of performance, plus a lot of expectation from within the media.
If you become comfortable with your own sexuality that can give you more time to devote to your relationship
Chapter 4 keeping your relationship alive
Avoiding talking about problems can make them difficult to change. It might take longer for couples to decide to be couples after having sex as there is such weight with public announcement on social media.
Relational difficulties as the difference between what we think things ought to be like and how they actually are. You can find it hard to deal with disappointment and difference either if you focus too much on the feelings or ignore them. If you rely on your partner to satisfy your life you are a disadvantage as opposed to working out how to satisfy yourself.
Difficult to make time for sex and difficult to pick up your partners cues. Worrying about sexual problems will enhance them.
Nostalgia for the honeymoon period is often what brings couples to therapy.
In the early stages of the relationship, pheromones and hormones are released to enable the bonding process, i.e. oxytocin, vasopressin. Oxytocin and vasopressin suppress cortisol.
Chapter 5 The sexual dowry
Cultural differences are easier to spot when you’re brought up in different countries, or different cultures. Cultural differences within the same culture are harder to spot.
Different families had different levels of comfort and affection
Couples reproduce the relationship values that their parents had, although couples may well deny this as it reduces their sense of individual power.
It’s perfect I grow up and learn from my family certain ways, then practice them so often I think they are normal, my partner does the same but in a different family, with different ways.
Couples slip into routines and develop expectations of each other that aren’t talked about.
Family and culture have a significant attitude towards our bodies and towards sex.
You don’t notice that which is closest to you, family and cultural influence for instance.
Women can be taught that they haven’t got sexual needs but they are responsible for their partner’s sexual pleasure. Men can feel ashamed for their lack of sexual feelings, women for their sexual feelings.
When your sexual motivation depends on what you think your partner thinks, you are unlikely to have a satisfying sex life. Firstly your expectations may be wrong, and secondly this detaches you from your own desires. This may be motivated by trying to win your partners approval not trying to make them happy.
Often couple communication happens only in each partners head, and those that most desire connection have the most difficulty in communicating their needs.
You may not tell your partner your needs as you may fear that they could be rejected or you may not value them enough.
In our culture showing need is seen to be inviting rejection. People get around this by thinking their relationship thinks as one.
Thinking you are as one with your partner diminishes a powerful aspect of the relationship that is between two different people.
Some people who don’t express their needs can express their needs to be met without asking for them.
Push me pull me dance as you try to establish the right level of closeness for a partnership. Trying to be the same as your partner, then running away. If you have to be the same you can’t have your own needs and now depend on someone else to make you happy.
Self-image is affected by our partner which can be why the others appearance is significant to us.
To say you don’t need anyone else is futile we are social creatures and it is only other people that can satisfy our needs, likewise to consider that we are the same as someone, and that you are now a couple and not an individual is again futile as it diminishes your needs.
People who rely on others to validate their self-worth can be overwhelmed with emotions when they are disappointed.
With responsibility comes control
Chapter 6 Sexual performance
Worrying about early ejaculation or no erection will usually make it happen.
Women differ in sexual response which can lead men to questioning their technique. Clitoral stimulation usually leads to orgasms but how varies between women, and also for a woman at different times.
Men think they have failed if a woman hasn’t orgasmed, and a woman feels under pressure to orgasm. Many women are more interested in feeling close in sex than orgasm.
Looking at our own performance is a phenomenon known as spectating.
When performance anxiety gets the better of you, then it is better to abandon sex and start again. Getting used to the sensual pleasure of each other’s bodies.
Touching exercises, developed by masters, the sensate focus exercise.
There is no talking during the exercise and no sex. The aim here is to please you, and not to arouse your partner. In this exercise you are concentrating only on the skin, not below it as with massage. Use your hands, or other items such as scarves, feathers etc. On the receiving end just notice what parts you most like being touched and how.
Talk about it afterwards, so what you most liked doing to your partner. Sometimes we blame to avoid our discomfort, so check to see if there were any areas you felt self-conscious about, so best think about it on your own first.
The sensate focusing exercise is about gentle discovery.
Once you feel comfortable with the initial sensate focusing exercise then you can bring in the genitals, buttocks and breasts. Again the aim is not to arouse your partner but to find your pleasure in touch. Notice if there are areas that you don’t like touching, or where you don’t like being looked or touched. When you notice think why this might be.
When you have brought in the genitals then you can move onto arousal but do not expect it to end in orgasm.
Initially tell your partner what you like, then after a while maybe you could guide your partners hand or ask them to do something you know or believe they would like.
Chapter 7 Body Knowledge
Concern about how our bodies look, smell, feel, perform can affect our sexual desire. Attraction however is wider than your looks.
Partners don’t know how to deal with insecurity about bodies so they may tease which may seem to be uncaring. Blanket reassurance isn’t helpful as it isn’t seen as genuine. Telling your partner not to be silly disqualifies their experience.
Vagina
Labia minor vary in size between women and for a woman, their left and right one.
Comparison with the desirable body can often come with the porn industry or glamour models. There was a lot less corrective surgery before the internet.
Cervix is at the bottom of the womb and the position of the womb changes during orgasm. Doggy style reduces the distance
Lubrication comes from the vaginal walls and odours can be produced from the Bartholin glands at the glands at the top of the vagina. The Bartholin gland does produce a small amount of fluid but is mainly about odour, which is thought to be sexually alluring.
The overall amount of lubrication increases, reaches a certain pint then stops.
Musky odour and secretions are normal, if you try to scrub and use chemicals to get rid of them you will get rid of health bacteria which protect the vagina. Washing once or twice a day with soap and water is sufficient.
Yeast infections are caused when healthy bacteria is compromised through over washing or the use of antibiotics.
Vaginal discharge is a sticky mucus that aids sperms swimming, its colour changes during the month from brown to clear from end of period to start of your period.
Some women experience a kind of ejaculation from the skenes gland. They are usually more intense orgasms.
Penis
Average size is 5 to 6 inches when erect, unusually small would be 3inches when erect. The smaller the penis when flaccid the bigger it is when erect. The tiny Cowper’s gland secretes a clear fluid during arousal that helps the transport of the sperm. Pre cum, can contain some sperm. Your testicles move up towards the body as you become aroused and change from smooth loose, to tense and wrinkled.
Chapter 8 Sexual secrets
Sexual secrets are secrets about your sexual desire that are kept secret either from the outside world or if there is shame attached to it from your partner and if shame is high enough, from yourself as well. Shame prevents you doing anything about the secret.
Masturbation doesn’t have the sense of achievement, connection or occasion.
Fetish, this is where an object is sexually arousing. It then gets included in sex for the partners, when the interest is more in the object than the partner then this can get difficulty. It can get difficult when one person’s fetish is the other persons disgust, then how do you manage this.
Transvestism can be non-sexual, or a man may have no interest in passing as a woman but just might like wearing women’s underwear.
Fears of Trans is that your partner may want to change gender. The best thing to do when this comes out is to take things slowly.
Sex returns the body to rests and digest so an orgasm can be a stress reliever.
Porn can be a problem if you can only be aroused or destressed through using it.
Internet sex can have difficulties as it is quick fix, where actual sex takes time to engage someone and its someone else, therefore there is a dynamic element to it.
Internet sex releases dopamine, you then can crave it, so you repeat the activity, then the attachment hormone dopamine is release d and you can start to bond with internet activity.
In the build-up of planning to internet sex and during you get dopamine release. When you orgasm you feel depleted and then want more dopamine to make you feel better.
If your partner is affected by compulsive sexual behaviour then you will find a range of responses from disbelief to despair, seeing to sympathy, need to help to need to punish. A sense of betrayal can happen especially if there is money involved.
Satisfaction with porn diminishes with exposure, so that you need to find more exciting experiences to elicit the same response. Porn use can escalate and hook ups can ensure.
Behaviour as compulsive when it starts to becoming preoccupying.
Betrayal where there is some level of secret engagement with another will affect sex. After the betrayal is made public this can reignite the relationship with much sex or it can mean that every aspect about the betrayal is known when sex will be out of the question.
Sometimes partners want to know more and more as they don’t believe it, and they think in knowing more and more they will come to terms with it. However more information doesn’t reduce the hurt, more information is aiming at control I guess. Couples want to go back to how things were, but then how things were, were the circumstances that provoked the affair.
Chapter 9 Ageing
There are milestones during our life when we judge ourselves, at decade changes, when we get married, what type of job we have, what we did at NYE. There are socially defined times, events that we judge ourselves by some expectation of what should happen on our holiday, 30th, etc.
As men age, then there are bodily changes, a small drop in energy, but a bigger increase in stress.
By middle age it is normal for erections to come and go during lovemaking. You don’t actually need a very firm penis for vaginal penetration. A very soft penis is only a problem if you attempt penetration too soon.
Refactory time=recovery time, can lengthen and it can be a day or two before penetration is possible again.
Enlarged prostrate can put pressure on the urethra and mean more trips to the toilet.
Low testosterone=tiredness, loss of libido and erectile problems
Menopause is the 10 years after ovulation occurs less frequently. The years before the menopause are known as the peri menopause when you get the hot flushes, tiredness etc. Losing oestrogen doesn’t diminish sexual desire.
Chapter 10 Physical limitations
People think a physical set back means they have to limit their sex life.
A quarter of pregnancies don’t end with a baby.
Sex after pregnancy can be difficult use of lubricants can make it easier.
Chapter 11 Sexual dysfunctions
Psycho sexual difficulties can have physical and psychological causes
Women can tense their vagina muscles in anticipation of pain, which leads to vaginismus. Some women don’t like the idea of anything inserted into their vagina, can be an outcome from a previous story\event.
Some dysfunctions are to do with genital pain e.g. PVD or dyspareunia
Men get genital pain, through enlarged prostrate, pelvic conditions, or can get PGAD
ED can be caused by cardio vascular diseases, diabetes, or neurological damage, but if you can get an erection by masturbating or first thing in the morning then it isn’t a physical problem. Certainly as you age your erection is less strong and frequent. Men can orgasm with little or no erection and very little erection is needed for penetration. Performance anxiety is a common cause of ED Fear of losing it can make it stop. One off episodes can create ED, fear of it happening again can maintain it.
Arousal reaches to a plateau and stops. Men ejaculate and immediately they enter the resolution when their bodies return to normal. Women can orgasms multiple times before entering the resolution phase
A lot of men wish they didn’t orgasm so soon, but this seems to be based on unrealistic ideas. Ten minutes is about the most men report. For many couples intercourse lasts for only 2 or 3 minutes before ejaculation. Premature ejaculation describes orgasm after a couple of thrusts. It’s not so much early ejaculation that spoils sex as the worrying about it. It affects a third of men.
Trying not to orgasm diminishes the pleasure of sex. Early ejaculation can be learnt during early masturbation and fear of being caught. Likewise men can miss the point of inevitability as they speed through arousal.
Managing early ejaculation:
Use the stop start method, masturbate to high level of arousal then stop, repeat three times then orgasm. Tuning into feeling and being slow will help this. You can build on this whilst touching the vulva with your penis. Then you can rub the clitoris with the penis in the same way, then do it using penetration and when you stop, let the penis stay in the vagina.
Male difficulties in achieving orgasm are generally only with a partner and not via masturbation. Some men climax without ejaculation.
The more you care about your partner, the more you can value sex, the more pressure you put on yourself the harder that sex can be.
The vagina being less tight after childbirth maybe e alleviated entering the woman from behind with the woman’s legs together.
Pornography gives an unrealistic view of partnered sex. The quick route to arousal via visual stimuli trains the brain to need this.
Faking orgasms is often done to please the other partner, you don’t feel like an orgasm but your partner wants you to have one. Some women fake as it can act as a trigger to increased pleasure.
Less than a third of women orgasm during intercourse. This is most likely due to indirect stimulation of the clitoris. There is no such thing as a vaginal orgasm there are few nerves in the vagina.
Some women never orgasm, some stop after childbirth or trauma.
Shared rollercoaster rides as an uninhibitor for orgasms.
Chapter 12 Psychosexual therapy
PST: psychosexual therapy.
CORST=College of sexual and relationship therapists
Chapter 13 Sexual Realism
Your relationship i9s the constant part as things around change, as things around pressure you, stress you, your relationship can take the blame. If a relationship was continually like it was when you first met you wouldn’t get anything done.
When couples say they have tried everything that usually means they have tried the same thing over and over.
Desire and arousal are to separate things, desire: I desire sex, arousal, I am aroused to have sex.
It’s easier to restart a sexual relationship if there has been a conscious decision rather than an unspoken one.
Chapter 14 Communicating
Couples rarely share the same communication style. Sometimes you may exaggerate your communication style to encourage your partner, but this ends up putting them off. For instance being candid with your feelings.
It is harder to say how you are when you are living together and there is more at stake. It can feel there is less to lose by confiding in a stranger or a friend.
Couples who feel they are soulmates often have the greatest difficulty in acknowledging differences in one another.
Many couples use conversations to shed responsibility and blame the other person
The I want, I will book, sometimes couples can find it hard to talk about sex, so you can use a book one write the I want, the other responds I will, which can be I will do it, I will think about it
Sometimes couples like to check in at the same time each day, you can ask “how are we doing” this is a question of how the relationship is, not how each one of you is. Try to use I statements rather that you statements which can appear blaming.
Rather than making unfavourable comparisons to early sex life, why not reminisce to enjoy them.
Saying no to sex can be awkward and result in indirection \ action without explanation.
Asperger’s=difficulties with subtlety of meaning. They can also get obsessed and find change difficult. So initiating sex can be difficult, and having varied sex likewise.
NT=Neuro typical
Couples can misinterpret the meaning of the others silence.
Conversation tips
1. Pick a time without interruptions and stress
2. Determine purpose of the conversation
3. Listen and speak
4. Reflect on what has been said before responding
5. Avoid accusations and use I statements
6. Be appreciative\civil
7. Recognise when your partner agrees with you and appreciated
8. Be direct. Tr
9. Be original don’t keep repeating the same thing you will get the same answer
Chapter 15 Safe Sexual experimentation
Predictability outside the bedroom can be useful and unpredictability in, can be fun.
Fantasise on your own prior to experimentation can make it go more smoothly.
Capacity to fantasy related to:
Reminiscing, imagining, making up stories as a kid
Deep in the vagina as it starts to curve upwards is the A spot, which if massaged produces immediate and copious lubrication.
A small area of the labia on either side of the urethral opening the U spot may also respond well
Post orgasm the clitoris may be extremely sensitive. It has been argued that stimulation of the G spot contributes to orgasm.
Fisting is whole hand penetration not in the form of a fist.
If you are afraid the sphincter will clamp shut. It can help to wear a butt plug a few hours before anal penetration.
Frottage=dry humping
Tantra=long languorous sex and being in the moment
Edging=staying at a high level of arousal without climax. Repeating this up to high arousal then down for many hours can induce a dreamy level of euphoria.
Conclusion Celebrating Sexuality
Date nights can be a set-up, an expectation to a great night which puts pressure on.
